It is funny to think that the last night of boot camp (Saturday) might already be in a top 3 place of my whole 9 month journey. But it truly might be. Let's flashback to the night before (Friday):

We had session and worship, just like all the other nights of boot camp. After Deon spoke, we had an elongated worship set. There was a ton of praise, crying, praying, etc. It looked like God had touched the hearts of everyone in that room, except for me. I sat there numb and unengaged, it felt like I could not do anything about it. I left the building angry that night. Angry at myself and angry at God. Why am I unable to cry? Feel emotion? Relate to those around me? I allowed myself to stay angry that night, and went to sleep on that note.

Every morning, we would debrief the day before as a whole squad. Hearing the stories and experiences my squad members had the previous night made me feel empty inside because I did not feel the same way, but I was joyous with them because they experienced the Lord in a new way. After our mentor had spoke about the Holy Spirit and how the American church approaches Him, I began to feel a new sense of conviction. 

My anger lingers in the footprints of my pride.

My pride and my anger go hand in hand, and it is because of my pride that my anger sparks. My pride prohibited me from experiencing the Holy Spirit in the ways that my squad did. My pride is the reason I am unable to accept the Love the Lord is trying to give me. 

Saturday night was a night of, not complete revival, but the awareness that overcoming my pride will be a journey. It will be long, hard, and uncomfortable. I will have to learn to choose humility, and to chose the good of those around me before my own. I am ready to take that on in the Lord's strength. 

After Saturday night worship, we were supposed to have a bonfire with s'mores, but it was rained out. We were all bummed until Jodi came RUNNING IN with the s'mores supplies and we all ate uncooked s'mores. But those 10 minutes were filled with more than a sugar overdose. It was a celebration of YES and LORD I WILL. From so many squad members. Baptism commitments, vulnerability, dancing, crying, rejoicing, and jumping in the rain. I was able to genuinely rejoice with my squad. Not with my prideful and broken heart, but with my "EmmaLea is after Gods own heart" heart. And I am going to continue to choose that.

<3